Mazola, Corn Goodness

2002-01-02T22:53:00.000-05:00

I got NOTHING I wanted for Christmas. Clothes. Who in their right mind likes clothes as a gift? Maybe from my wife, who knows my taste, and theoretically has the right to decide if something looks decent on me or not, is allowed to buy me clothes as a gift. Other than her, not a good gift. Even when I was 9 or 10, I HATED getting clothes. They never fit, and it's never anything I will wear to work. I did get a Home Depot gift card though. Mmmmm....a new cordless screwdriver.....an extention ladder....an outdoor lamppost.....

The movies I did get, you ask? Pearl Harbor, not bad. I guess enough has come out to redeem Ben Affleck from Reindeer Games. Also, For Love of the Game. Like Rick Astley, 21 Jump Street, and tickling my son until he is ready to puke, Kevin Costner is a guilty pleasure.

If you like sports, go to MSG and read Micheal Kay's column. The guy just makes sense to me.

I was at Stop and Shop on 12/26, and they had an aisle for Valentine's Day stuff. I know stores put out Christmas stuff before Halloween to "stimulate the economy", and all of that crap, but Valentine's Day? What is the deal? Can we wait until like January 3rd? Are there people who just HAVE to have those little candy hearts that say "LOVE YA", "YOURE MINE", "KISS ME", "YOU SUCK", "YOUR BUTT IS HAIRY", or that ever-popular "YO MAMA SAID YOU UGLY"? I guess my career in retail forecasting is behind me.

2001-12-21T23:40:00.000-05:00

Hmmm. I think I can pretty much guess what my gifts are going to be this Christmas: gift card to Coconuts/Saturday Matinee, gift card(s) to Blockbuster, earring(s), and/or something related to Home Depot. Now, mind you, this is certainly not a bad thing. I love getting gift certificates/cards. In case my fondness for Rick Astley tunes haven't already illustrated, I tend to like things that others don't really care much for. Who would know to run out and buy me a copy of Opportunity Knocks on VHS? Is there a person on this planet who doesn't appreciate the talent of Robert Loggia?

Speaking of reading, I am almost halfway through Black House, the sequel to The Talisman, by Stephen King and Peter Straub. So far it rocks. There is little in life, from an entertaining stance, better than a really good long book. Other than a 20-man over-the-top battle royale, that is.

No work until January 2. That still sounds SO FRIGGIN COOL! Are you jealous? If you don't have to go back until the 3rd or 4th, you suck, totally.

I did just get rid of my cable TV. No antennea or rabbit ears either. We are strictly PlayStation and Video now. Thusfar, our house has not been the scene of unspeakable crimes, violent fighting, or gnashing of teeth. we actually played Yahtzee the other night. Ain't THAT cool? Maybe, I could get someone, sooner or later, to join me in a game of Scrabble. Now THAT would rock. I live life in the fast lane, obviously.

2001-12-13T23:25:00.000-05:00

About the earring...I forgot to mention that I am pretty much a solid believer of "It is better to regret what you HAVE done, than to regret what you haven't done." Certainly applicable when it comes to a piercing, or something like that, so that is kinda why I finally did it. that philosophy is not so applicable when it comes to killing someone, methinks. Or carving your name in someone's buttock without their permission. Or farting in a crowded elevator. Actually, I have done the latter, not really on purpose though. It seems funny looking back on it, but I am sure at the time, others wouldn't have agreed. Good thing it was an SBD.

2001-12-13T23:08:00.000-05:00

Well, haven't been here in quite awhile. Almost two months? I would be embaressed if I thought someone was reading. Yes, "It Feels Like the First Time" is running through my head....

.....but so is "Never Gonna Give You Up" by Rick Astley. Scary stuff.

Speaking of learning new things, someone at work was nice enough to define "tossing someone's salad" to me. Who'da thunk it? I had heard it said before, and assumed that it had some sexual connotations, but I did not intend to go there. If you don't know, don't ask. I feel like I should have known this, as little as it appeals to me. Hey, it's America, folks.

Got my ear pierced. I told myself "self, you are too old, for this is something you do in your teens or early to mid twenties." 32 ain't THAT old, I guess. I like it, although it was infected pretty bad last weekend. I woke up to find the stud embedded in my lobe. Not the worst pain, of course, but hardly comfortable. I dunno, I guess I just kinda like it. I think I might get one of those thick little hoops that pirates wear.....um, in the stories about pirates, of course.

Well, the Yanks lost the series in interesting fashion. The game, although our seats were about 13 or 14 rows in front of God watching from up in heaven, was awesome. What an atmosphere. There is no place like The Stadium, and no place like The Stadium in the midst of a post-season victory. I had chills, really, it was that incredible.

Speaking of my little girl, she is so funny. She is not a baby anymore. She is completely over her anemia, and then some. I fear having to take a second job to keep food in the house. I am definitely thinking about buying my kids nothing but sweats and spandex, because they grow out of clothes WAY too quick.

If you have never heard of him, find a way to download and listen to Richard Cheese. The only thing I have heard in the last year funnier than this guy is The Ultimate Christmas Collection. I thought I was going to soil myself. If you listen to Richard Cheese, and do not agree with my opinion, disregard that last statement.

Finally watched Me, Myself, and Irene. In my opinion, it was more hilarious than I thought it would be. I lent my copy of American History X to two people so far, and neither liked it. I am sure it is because they suck and have no taste. How friggin DARE them.

I can't really think of anything else. I feel somewhat caught up and complete as a person.

2001-10-22T14:53:00.000-04:00

Game 5, Yanks/Mariners, at the house that Ruth built. I am so incredibly psyched! This will be my wife's first playoff game. We will probably (if past tickets are an indication) be the 4th row up on the third base line, about 1/3 of the way up the line past third base.

2001-10-19T21:16:00.000-04:00

My daughter was in the hospital this past weekend. Very sobering, of course. She had severe anemia. For her age (almost 18 months), her hemoglobin should be up at 11, and when we brought her to the hospital after the doc called when he got her blood tests back, she was at a 2, that low in iron. She was in for two days plus, and what a trooper. Two blood transfusions, poked and prodded for over 48 hours, and she woke up Monday morning and started EATING like a champ. Her iron is up over 7 now, in less than a week, and wow, she is a brand new girl. Makes you think, especially about your priorities, as things can in life.

On a lighter note, something occured to me tonight at dinner (TGIFridays): I might actually eat a mouse if it had Jack Daniels Sauce on it. Mmmmmmm.......Er, the sauce, not the mouse.

Speaking about cool gifts, I got a $50 gift card for a movie place and here is what I got so far:

Hollywood Shuffle
Three O' Clock High
The Hitcher

I rule. Totally!

2001-09-28T20:14:00.000-04:00

I brought my daughter to work today with me. She is 17 months, and it wasn't easy, but it was kinda cool. I was gonna call out, but I thought it would be more appreciated if I at least came in and got work done for a half a day. It went well - she was quiet, and she is sooooooo low maintenance. Why is it though, there are always people thinking that they are hilarious with the comment: "Wow, she is so cute! She looks nothing like you!" or even better, "She is beautiful! She CAN'T be yours! Um, yeah, that's funny. I had to ban 4 people from my workspace. I did notice, however, that I had more people coming in to see her, than when I brought my son in a week ago (he had a delayed opening...).

2001-09-17T22:37:00.000-04:00

I guess until 9/11, Collateral Damage really did sound like a good action flick. It is weird, because (I am sure I am not the only one) every day, I think of something new which relates to the tragedy. I think the fact that all of the media outlets have hooked into calling it "ATTACK ON AMERICA" is kinda....lame. Not that I have a better idea, of course. I don't know anyone who lost their life, or is missing, but I feel very affected. My friend Chris was in the second building, and is still reeling, I am sure. I can't imagine being in such a scary, life-threatening situation. I left work awhile that day to go home and watch it on TV with Tim, a guy I work with. I just had to see it with my own eyes, and mutter "geez" every 20-30 seconds. It effects me in ways that I just can't put my finger on. I am a vet, served in the Navy for a few years on a nuclear-powered carrier. I feel a love for my country, a pride that didn't start 9/11. I had been to the WTC a few times, and seen it up close thousands of others. My eyes get kinda teary thinking about the first time that a spouse, child, relative, or friend of one of the victims heard at work or school: "Hey, didja hear? A friggin plane just flew into one of the Twin Towers!" My eyes get kinda teary thinking about how many times I told my son that "one of these days we'll go up to the top of the World Trade Center and look down on some clouds!" My eyes get kinda teary when I see that now-famous picture of the 3 rescue workers raising the flag on top of the remains in NY. My eyes get kinda teary when I drive under an overpass and see the flag hanging down from the top of the safety fence above. It just makes me wonder about what reprocussions will come about.

Scary stuff, and it's all real.

Also, I was watching Nickelodeon with my son, and there was one of those Oreo Double Stuff commercials. I don't know if you have seen it, but it has two kids on a park bench (looks like it might be right outside of NYC) eating said cookies. When one of them twists off the top part of the cookie, they show the creamy white stuff (you know what I mean, ya sicko) from the cookie like a tidal wave through the city. I don't think they actually showed the WTC, but they show people running through the streets, and well, you can imagine. I am not one to get outraged over something like that, but knowing that there are indeed people like that in the world, it would seem kinda weird for some Nick network/Oreo corporate suit guy saying "hey Joe, think we oughta put that Oreo creamy stuff commerical on the shelf awhile?" I mean, I thought of it, am I the only one? Doubtful.

Also 2, I heard that the hotels around Newark totally jacked up their prices that Tuesday night with all of the stranded people needing rooms, and all. I can't believe more of a big deal hasn't been made about THAT one. I would hope that I heard wrong, and that didn't happen, but I am unfortunately not shocked. Wish I was, though.....

2001-09-12T17:59:00.000-04:00

I went to Washington Rock Park in Greenbrook, NJ today, and saw the "New Skyline". It is just surreal. Also weird looking up and not seeing planes. There must be some sort of flight pattern that I can sit downstairs in my house, look upstairs through my daughter's window, and see planes, maybe one every few minutes, kinda cruise on by. This touches everyone, some more than others of course, and I guess we can all just wait and see what's next.

By the way, feel free to email me if you want.

2001-08-29T22:39:00.000-04:00

"Get Carter" is on TV Saturday night. Thank you HBO. I guess I will have to wait for the HBO Saturday night premiere of Police Academy 6.

2001-08-29T22:36:00.000-04:00

Two firsts tonight.

The first first? I went to a minor-league baseball game. Not bad. I didn't pay, and you know the rule - when you don't pay, that usually is enough to make something cool. So besides being cramped into a little seat, bored out of my mind watching two teams I could give a ripe fart about, the game being pretty much over in the 4th inning, and watching the antics and hi-jinx of the mascot, "General Admission". Eeesh Ooosh. Right up there with one of the other three mascots, the wonderfully talented and "World Famous Monkey Boy". I am sure that there are people in Greenland, Madagascar, and Uraguay clammering to cough up the airfare to fly into Newark Airport, grabbing a taxi, and saying, "MONKEY BOY! TAKE ME TO THE SOMERSET NEW JERSEY BALLPARK TO SEE MONKEY BOY!!"

The second first? A grown man behind me uttered the phrase: "Honey, hold my beer. I am going to take a piss and see if I can get Monkey Boy's autograph." An unforgettable evening, on many planes.

2001-08-28T19:03:00.000-04:00

Three great things to do at work when you want to get on someone's nerves (which I do like to do indeed!):

1. Let me tell this to you how I do it. I work with Tim, our desks are right next to each other. The VP or Operations, the guy in charge of the whole office walks in and I start the small-talk with him. All of a sudden, I stand and point at Tim excitedly: "TIM! TIM!" Then, looking at Scott, "Scott, watch this! Tim does a PERFECT imitation of you!" Then to Tim: "Tim, do your "Scott", the way you did it after he walked out of the room yesterday! I thought I was gonna piss my pants!!!" Of course, there is no way that Tim can explain that I am full of crap, because he will just sound like he is too embarassed to do his imitation of Scott in front of him. Trust me, it is great!

2. More on the childish side: When you notice someone gets their hair cut, or restyled, go up to them and say "Hey, I like what you did with your hair!" Of course, they will thank you, and say something else like "I just got it done last night". Then, you start laughing hard, and tell them, "HA! Only kidding! I don't really like it!" Again, childish, but I can never stop laughing after I do it to someone and they have this really pissed insulted look on their face. Trust me on this! This also works with "Hey, I like that shirt! Is it new?"or even "Hey did you just shave your beard/mustache? It looks great!"

3. When someone calls you, and they are on speaker phone talking to you, keep saying "Hello?" or "Anyone there" or "if you can hear me, I can't hear you" until they pick up their receiver to talk to you. I always make it a point to tell them the truth: "I could hear you, I just think speaker phones, when not totally necessary, are totally annoying."

Hope this helps. Disclaimer: "Make sure the people involved can actually take a joke and won't go to HR. I will not be responsible for providing anyone with unemployment money."

2001-08-27T00:06:00.000-04:00

There are good movies, but then there are intense movies. I figure that if you are watching a movie, and it illicits a "HOLY CRAP" from you, that should mean that you are watching something rather intense. Yes, I know you are sitting there waiting to read my list of the most intense movies of all time:

Lord of the Flies (I guess I missed the original, so the 1990 version has to do)
American History X (whoa)
Full Metal Jacket (duh, of course)

I suppose that "intense" movies, to me, kinda means that they are a little on the disturbing side. I thought Primal Fear was intense, but in an entertaining way. The aforementioned three were entertaining, I mean, why else wouldja watch a movie but to be entertained. Those three send me away thinking about the movie for days and days. You might be able to add A Clockwork Orange onto the list, but when I first saw that one, I was a little young, and truly intense movies, to me of course, hit you sqare in the noggin on the first viewing. American History X was just on USA tonight, but TV doesn't do it justice. I mean, it's not the swearing, but you have to stop for commercials, and although I turned it on towards the end, I am sure the "dining room scene in the house" with Elliott Gould lost something in the translation. It had to have. American Beauty was kind of intense, as was Primal Fear, Once Upon A Time In America, and Platoon, but I don't think as much as those three.

Ready to Rumble? Oy, talk about your suck-fest. Mr. David Arquette Cox, thou sucketh. How is this guy funny? Married to Courtney Cox (whenever I hear the name, I have the tune from South Park "Courtney Cox - i love you - you're so hot - on that show" running through my head), this guy has about 1 more minute of fame left before Lucifer demands one soul, as promised. The movie, on the good side (and a small good side it is), did make me remember good ol' fashioned rasslin', as it stood a year or two ago with Sting and Goldberg. That was cool. The rest? Crap.

2001-08-25T23:28:00.000-04:00

I see this friggin guy on TV all the time, and I keep thinking one thing:

Are there guys who want big jahoobies like that? I mean, boobs are way cool, but if I had a pair like that, what incentive would I have to get out of bed every morning?

2001-08-25T23:12:00.000-04:00

I don't have a cat or a dog. we are watching my sister-in-law's cat until my in-laws get settled into their new house. One thing I have learned finally for myself: cats are DEFINITELY not as cool as dogs. I called for the cat to come to me, and he didn't. He keeps staring at me. Whenever I get up, he jumps. When I walk anywhere near him, he runs. What a pussy!

I am watching Lord of the Flies on the Bravo channel. What a freaky movie! Why does this movie only come on after dark?

2001-08-15T23:14:00.000-04:00

I like TV. I really enjoy it. I am friggin down with 21 Jump Street reruns, Whose Line is it Anyway, Sporanos, Rick Astley videos, WaterWorld, Braveheart, you know, good stuff - CHOICE stuff. but THIS? Hmmmm... new car, TV......Austrailian vacation, TV.......new deck on the house with a hottub for 8 and a supergrill, TV.......food shopping for 3 years, TV......

Maybe I don't like TV so much after all...

2001-08-15T22:59:00.000-04:00

I was in Rite-Aid Pharmacy on Sunday and I saw Halloween candy for sale - the Cadbury pumpkin-shaped things. That is sad. So, so sad. How important is the holiday of Halloween that we have to have candy out two and a half months early? Don't get me wrong, I like candy just as much (um, maybe more) than the next person, but this is the sort of thing that hostage situations are made of. I feel like staking the place out to see who is buying it. Then I can hunt them down and kill them.

Talk about wanting to kill and take hostages. If I see one of those bunghole "Ready for a cold one?" Coors Light commercials.... I think I would rather watch a Cleo/Matthew Lesko shower scene. Er, maybe I am talking out of my um....butt.

2001-08-14T23:15:00.000-04:00

I noticed yet again today that the rule still applies: when you have more than one key on your ring that look the same, you will ALWAYS choose the wrong one first. This will happen more than once if you have to go to the bathroom.

By the way, this rule goes hand in hand with the rule that says: If you put on a plain generic shirt with no label on it, you will ALWAYS put it on backwards first. Again, if you are late for work or something, you will next try and put your head through a sleeve.

2001-08-12T14:51:00.000-04:00

Last week I started to do the cryptoquote in the daily newspaper at work. Like 5 other people got hooked, as I did. I get done first every time. I rule. Now I have to figure out if there is money to be made with this talent....

2001-08-12T14:44:00.000-04:00

Imagine the beach with no sand. Instead of finding sand in everything you own for the following week after an ocean visit (in addition to some of your more unappealing bodily orifaces), you could find......nothing. It is my dream to go to the beach, and spread my towel out on a nice lawn. Laying on a lawn, under the tasty shade of a tree, watching and listening to the waves break - man, that sounds nice. I figure that if mankind can take pictures up-close of Mars, they could find a way to keep a nice, plush lawn on the ocean. It doesn't sound that tough.

Yeah.....The Sopranos are back on tonight. Sweeeeet. I can't say I like everything about the show. I can't say that I have enjoyed every episode. I think it is hard not to watch it though. Sorta like a gushy train wreck. It is probably the "Goodfellas"/"Once Upon a Time in America"/"Godfather" fan in me.

2001-08-02T08:22:00.000-04:00

I watched my son ride his bike for the first time two days ago. That was both very cool and very scary. I don't ever really feel "old", because I am not (well, except for that one time where that little jerk called to me, "hey mister!), but maybe "older".

I actually thought The Replacements with Keanu Reaves and Gene Hackman was pretty funny. Take that with a grain of salt from the guy who liked Waterworld. By the way, I said it was good, but Hackman is hardly doing justice to Hoosiers. Puhleeze.

2001-07-20T09:35:00.000-04:00

Words of wisdom I have picked up in my daily stride: "The main thing is keeping the main thing the main thing." Does that make sense? Makes sense to me, I think.

Someone told me yesterday that they liked the movie Get Carter. How twisted is that??? She will be one I add to my movie recommendation list, when I want to see a good movie. Her and the guy at the video store. He told me Romeo Must Die sucked - I disagreed. He liked The Cell (oy), Mission Impossible 2 (retch), Fight Club (puhleeze), and a bunch of other unwatchable crap. Between Mr. Video Store and Miss I-Like-Whatever, I can't miss if I get the stuff they hate. I know, a stroke of genius. Jennifer Lopez ain't no Rick Astley.

American History X. Whoa.

2001-07-11T13:11:00.000-04:00

Here is something important: If I like the group 3rd Bass, should I say "I like rap music"? Something tells me know, since they kinda "fake rap", to me anyway. Yeah, I know. Third Bass and Rick Astley, what a combination.

Another thing: If I have two computers on my desk, and each system has its own mouse, do I have two mouses on my desk, or two mice? This question has plagued me greatly, and I lie sleepless at night thinking of it.

If you are bored, try this!

2001-06-27T14:11:00.000-04:00

Just when I thought I saw the worst movie, The Substitute 4, I had to watch another pile of crap. Get Carter. What a pile of crap. I am always asking myself why I bother to watch the whole movie when it so obviously sucks, and I can only think, "hey, if I don't watch the whole movie, how can I tell people how bad it sucked?" I know, I know, I am a great person, or humanitarian, if you will. Either that or I have way too much time and need to go to bed earlier.

I am not sure exactly how to pronounce it, so I just call this "My Genatalia". Works for me.

Mr. T, every time I see him telling me to call 1-800-COLLECT and to mind my jibba-jabba, brings a tear to my eye, and hours of reflection....

2001-06-21T09:26:00.000-04:00

Wow. 6 plus months, and I still draw a friggin blank. Saw Waterworld again. Are my son and I the only two in the world who like this movie? Actually, I like it, my son LOVES it. But then again, he likes CatDog.

But then again, I like Rick Astley.

2000-12-19T13:49:00.000-05:00

I am thinking about recording this on my work voice mail, doing my best Bill Lumburgh: "Yeah, Hi, um, we have a problem.....uhhh....well, I'm just not near my desk right now....yeah....so if you could go ahead and leave me a message? That would be greeeeeeeeat, thanks."

I just have the feeling that it would piss someone off....

2000-12-13T10:23:00.000-05:00

I could have sworn, that when I was watching the greatest sport known to man, I saw an advertisement for David Copperfield that hailed it as "The television event you can't afford to miss." Wow. No one can do anything, go anywhere, perform surgery, wait tables, or perform docking exercises with the space station, because they HAVE TO WATCH DAVID friggin COPPERFIELD! Puhleeze. On a side note, can anyone watch anything Michael Richards is in ever again and not say, "Hey, it's Kramer!" Maybe with one exception, though. Viva Stanley Spadowski...

2000-12-07T08:51:00.000-05:00

Speaking of cars, I saw a bumpersticker yesterday that really made me think. I guess that is the true goal of a bumpersticker-maker, I would think, anyway. The bumpersticker said "I love SOUP", with the heart picture instead of 'love', of course. I love soup. What to make of this? This is a person who loves soup so much, that they need to share their love of soup with their fellow man. Don't get me wrong, I love a good cup of chicken noodle as much as the next guy, but I don't know if I would feel the need to declare this on my car. I mean, think about this: here is a person who feels so strongly about soup, and how they love soup, that they are willing to make the ultimate sacrifice, to lower the resale/trade-in value of their car, just to spread their message of love. Why not "I love lobster" or "I love steak tartar" or even "I love Lemon Coolers"? Soup is that important to this person. Everything else? Second. Soup? First. What a country.

2000-12-06T11:33:00.000-05:00

It is official. I have seen what has to be the worst movie of all time. Substitute 4. I actually watched the whole thing, just so I would know what I was talking about when I say that this movie truly sucked. Truly. This movie makes Police Academy: Mission to Moscow look like Braveheart. I always thought Treat Williams was good...but I guess I haven't seen him in a movie in 21 years, so if he was in this....well, talk about a fall from grace. I felt the same way after watching this movie as I do after I read a Bazooka Joe comic. Empty, reeeeeeeal empty.

2000-12-05T09:41:00.000-05:00

Speaking of doing the dishes, I was doing the dishes last night. After I finished, I started to dry them, like a normal person sans dishwasher might do. I had about 5 glasses that I was about to put away, and I, for some reason, reached for the middle of the five glasses. Then I put it back down without drying it, saying to myself "Hey, those other glasses were sitting there waiting to be dried for a longer time, I want to be fair." I stopped myself right there, trying to determine why it was important for me not to offend one or two drinking glasses. It was rather scary, I don't have to tell you.

2000-12-04T08:13:00.000-05:00

I am trying to think of things that are better than a good cup of coffee early on a Monday morning. I guess finding a fat wallet with no ID would be cool. Turning on TBS and learning that there is a Parker Lewis Can't Lose marathon would be choice. Looking out the window and seeing 3 feet of snow would be kinda neat (hey, I live 3 blocks from work, what can I say?). Waking up to hear this on the radio... I could go on. I guess there are better things than a cup of coffee. I am starting to think that in the scheme of things, drinking coffee on a Monday morning actually sucks.

2000-12-01T15:25:00.000-05:00

I just made a cardinal mistake. I got behind a car that broke four of my "Don't Get Behind This Car EVER" policies. The violations include:

1. The driver of the car had gray hair. Obvious sign of age.
2. The driver of the car had on what I have always called a "butch cap." I think the proper name for the hat is a "poorboy." I just called it the butch since Butch (and Woim) from The Little Rascals always wore one.
3. The car had Florida plates.
4. The car was a Dodge Aries K. One of the biggest pieces of crap on four wheels, in my humble opinion. Goes from 0 to 60 in three days.

Yes, I just looked up and there I was, behind this schleprock. On top of all of those DGBTCE policy violations, he waited a whole 5 seconds after the light turned green. In New Jersey, 2 seconds will mean you get honked at, 4 seconds gets you an obscene gesture and additional honkings. I was a little out of it, so I only got in two honks of the horn. Cost me at least 10 seconds, and almost ruined my day.

2000-11-30T16:24:00.000-05:00

Another thing that should be a hanging offense: humming or singing an annoying song within earshot of another human being. Now, thanks to one of my gracious co-workers, the theme song for "My Three Sons" is engrained into my short-term memory. Don't get me wrong, I like Steve, Robbie, Chip, Ernie, and Uncle Charlie (even with his surly attitude) just as much as the next guy, but that theme song is horrid. I think I am going to walk by his cubicle and bang out the words to the "Gimme A Break" theme...or maybe just shoot him, one or the other.

2000-11-30T13:43:00.000-05:00

The office debate of the week seems to be: Is there such a thing as a quality Chinese food buffet? The vote was split pretty much down the middle, with each side having some pretty good arguements. I sided with "no, they are all relatively crappy and disappointing," but after realizing how sketchy the actual voting was, I remembered a pretty decent place my wife and I used to go to down in North Carolina, and I immediately denounced the voting process and demanded a recount.

Speaking of reading, I had a piece of Bazooka bubble gum today. I told myself, don't read that Bazooka Joe comic that's wrapped around the gum. Don't do it. I thought it would not make me laugh. I remembered how stupid they always are. I lowered my self esteem by thinking about all the times I didn't even get the joke. I scoffed at the fortunes that never come true. I silently cursed at the quality of the products you could by when you send in $1.98 with 452 comics in a self-addressed-stamped-envelope. I read the comic anyway and didn't get it. Another 15 seconds of my life wasted. It is the same way I feel when I read of the unfunny adventures of Heathcliff in the Sunday comics. Same exact way.

2000-11-29T13:41:00.000-05:00

Is there anyone in the world cooler than Mr. T? I don't know...I mean, The A-Team wasn't all that, and I think Rocky 3 was lame, but T is just cool. I guess cool in the vein as Herve was kinda cool also. It is unexplainable, so I should probably leave it at that.

2000-11-28T10:25:00.000-05:00

I think that having over 15 items on the "15 items or less" lane at any store (unless there is no one else there and the check-out person says it's cool) should be a hanging offense. It never fails, for when I am anywhere with one item in my hand, I am stuck behind some lady with 30 cans of cat food, 10 dozen eggs, 40 bottles of Fresca, Junior Mints, and 17 packages of Depends. In her mind, she only has 5 items. Shoot her, I say. I guess I just don't have the cojones to hold my hand up and yell "LINE VIOLATION! LINE VIOLATION! I DENOUNCE YOU IN THE NAME OF SHOP-RITE CUSTOMERS EVERYWHERE, YOU SICK, TWISTED HEATHEN!"

At least I thought that this was weird: on October 30th, I was carded at the store. Was I buying a six of Corona? No. A carton of Marlboros? Nuh uh. A package of prophylactics? Nyet. My offending purchase was a carton of Jumbo eggs. I guess that is a true sign of age, that you forget what night is Mischief Night. My response? "Geez, I just want to make some French friggin Toast!"

Don't read this page at work, or around normal people.

2000-11-26T16:53:00.000-05:00

Was Waterworld really that bad? I mean, I liked it. But then again, I am the one person walking the earth who likes Gladiators, World Gone Wild, and Rick Astley. The guy rocks, what can I say...

Speaking of old TV sitcoms, I finally figured out what happened to Shirl. She died of kidney failure. I can't say I was heartbroken, but I was like "hey, I was wondering what happened to Shirl."

Personally, I think the three most annoying television characters on television ever have to be:
1. Cousin Oliver from The Brady Bunch
2. Sam, Mr. Drummond's stepson on Diff'rent Strokes
3. Little Earl from the later episodes of What's Happenin', when Raj and Rerun got their own pad.

If you think of any others to rival those three, email me. I don't think it's possible, but hey, I think Rick Astley is cool, so what do I know?

2000-11-24T09:06:00.000-05:00

Thanksgiving came and went, didn't it? I guess Christmas won't seem too far away since I have seen stores selling Christmas stuff for about three months now. Makes me glad not to be in the retail industry today. I guess I should shut up since I have to be here at work today though.

You know, I guess I used to enjoy the Thanksgiving Day parade when I was a kid. I would even go as far as to say that I enjoyed watching it with my son once he started to really like to watch it. This year, I was watching Al Roker interview some guy who helped hold the Honey-Nut Cherios Bee balloon, and then some 800 kid singing group decked out in bright sweaters lip-syncing to some song that rivaled a George Michael song in blah-ness (for lack of a better word). For the first time in my life, I was ready to do a frantic channel search to try and update myself on Tootie or Natalie's latest tomfoolery on The Facts of Life, or watch the Preview Channel.

Speaking of the presidential election (it's all in the segue), I think that Dick Chaney should be replaced with Pat Harrington. I mean, wouldn't you want someone in office who has proven his complete handiness and versatility time and time again? If Vic Tayback was alive, he would be my first choice. He was a sensitive guy.

2000-11-22T22:44:00.000-05:00

Bob: "Looks like you've been missing quite a bit of work lately."
Peter Gibbons: "Well, I wouldn't say I've been MISSING it, Bob."

Every time I think of this quote from Office Space, I laugh to myself. I think that as I get older, I find it easier to amuse myself. Not 100% sure, but at least it seems like a healthy thing. I can always grin when I think of that crazy Irish guy who befriended William Wallace in Braveheart. Now THAT guy was funny. Not quite John Blutarsky funny, but funny nonetheless. Want to laugh? Cut a ripe fart near my son, and listen to him laugh so hard that HE rips a loud one and almost craps himself. Now THAT is funny.

http://us.imdb.com/Quotes?0151804 - Office Space Movie Quotes

2000-11-22T12:44:00.000-05:00

I thought maybe I should post another, since I might not post tomorrow. Even if there is no one else reading this at the moment, I still want to pretend that I have an audience of millions. That is normal, isn't it? Please?

I am a firm believer in staying right except to pass. I think this is something that police should be enforcing as they might enforce the laws against murder. Who decided that doing the speed limit, or less than the speed limit, in the middle lane is ok? Not me. Those folks almost as bad as those who don't use their turn signals. Those drivers are evil, evil, evil! I have a lot of issues pertaining to driving. I admit it.

I am still wondering if there are people who buy Chia Pets for themselves.

2000-11-22T08:42:00.000-05:00

Well, my first post. What to say? I had my first parent teacher conference yesterday on my lunch break. It was weird being in those little tiny chairs, knowing that with one false move, I would break it, and some poor kid would have to sit on the floor because of moi. No breakage though. My son rules though. Except when he constantly reminds me of the speed limit when I am driving, and then at times he checks the spedometer on me. He doesn't understand the "9 miles over the speed limit grace period". I will have to explain that to him, as well as the "Daddy can eat a cookie before dinner and you can't" rule. He doesn't get that one either.

Coffee = good. Need more.